Wanting fruitful dialogue is natural and good

If you feel pulled toward fruitful dialogue, toward finding ways to communicate peacefully with others, you might wonder: Am I being unrealistic? Is this just wishful thinking?

Science

The answer from science is clear: No, this is more than wishful thinking. This desire is fundamental to what makes you a person. It is not unrealistic or wishful thinking. It an innate part of what most of us that allow us to function. Like a lung.

Psychologists Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary established in their landmark paper The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation (1995) that the need to belong—to form positive social bonds—is as fundamental as hunger. It's not optional. It's not cultural. It's at the core of humans, "buried deep inside our biology, all the way down to the human genome."

When you lack meaningful connection, your body and mind suffer real consequences: increased stress, weakened immune system, depression, anxiety. Your brain is wired to seek belonging the same way it's wired to seek food and safety. (For a readable overview, see this Psychology Today article or this recent deep dive with the original researchers.)

In humans there is a special interaction between 1️⃣ the built-in need for connection and 2️⃣ the support for language that enables cooperation and communication. Anthropologists studying human evolution describe it as language and cooperation evolving together in a reinforcing cycle, that human ancestors needed to coordinate—to hunt together, share food fairly, defend against threats.

We find this dance of the need for connection and the ability to communicate to be among the vast majority all persons.

As researcher Eric Alden Smith put it in his paper on communication and collective action: "Language is intimately linked with cooperation...symbolic communication fundamentally alters the possibilities for collective action."

In other words: your desire for fruitful dialogue isn't just okay—it's serving a fundamental purpose. Just as hands and ears have purposes.

The roaring fire of animosity? That's not our default setting. Connection is. Cooperation is. Communication is.

Your desire to engage in fruitful dialogue isn't naive idealism. It's you being authentic.

Great Teachers

Almost every great teacher says connection and especially human connection is fundamental.

Below are summaries of the applicable teaching, short blurbs. Sometimes there are quoted statements. Let me know where I have goofed in this.

Buddha

Right speech is part of the Eightfold Path: truthful, kind, beneficial. Connection is based on reducing suffering together, not group identity. Praise goodness above the group.

Aristotle

Friendship (philia) is essential to the good life. We connect through shared pursuit of excellence, mutual recognition.

Confucius

Benevolence, in the end, will extend to all humanity.

Jesus

Be radical. A true neighbor transcends tribal boundaries. Seek communion even before repentance in radical inclusion. Worship transcends place and people. Love your enemies. Serve your enemies. Turn the other cheek. Pray for those who persecute you. Prayer is communication with Daddy, our Heavenly Father, our God. Speak honestly and simply to Daddy and to humans. Let the children come to me.

Paul

In the lordship of Christ, these do not matter: location, ethnic origin, social status, marital role, culture, spiritual maturity, sex, fashion, or education. Connect through love, communion and fellowship. Don't go around thinking you are better than others. Do not be a busybody.

Zeno

Petty tribal concerns are beneath the wise person. All humans share Logos. Philosophy is dialogue.

Islamic tradition

Communication is sacred when learning occurs.

Kant

Tribalism is irrational partiality; reason transcends group identity.

Gandhi

Let us seek unity, non-violence transcending hatred.

Martin Buber

All real life is meeting.

Carl Rogers

Active listening is a profound gift.

Mr. Rogers

"Love begins with listening". "Listening is where love begins: listening to ourselves and then to our neighbors." "We speak with more than mouths, we listen with more than ears."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Stick with love." "Love is the only force capable of turning an enemy into a friend." Our loyalties must transcend our race, our tribe, our class, and our nation. "Let us live together."

HUNTR/X

Every sentence is a quote: Sounds super boring; I'm so down. How am I going to fix the world, fix me, when I don't have my voice. Wha—I'm not like that; you'd tell me if I was like that, right? We can't fix it if we never face it. We could all be strong; be strong together. My voice without the lies, this is what it sounds like. Why do they always interrupt our snacking? Our music ignites the soul and brings people together. Born with voices that could drive back the darkness; singing songs of courage and hope. We could all be strong; be together. Couch!

Mary Alice Higbie

Value honor and appreciate each individual through Grace, Civility, Beauty, Gentility. Dialogue begins with listening.

And if wanting to reach out is not really an approved desire?

What if those scientists and wise ones are wrong? Maybe you are not sure about those words. Does it make a difference? You don't have to agree with scientists or teachers

My advice? Who cares? Be a rebel. Ready to listen? Wanna reach out? Do it.

Alone, but not really

Sometimes we can feel alone in wanting to communicate.

But you are not alone. You have Mouth Fruit at your side. There are many others, too; see the post The Rebels at The St. James Tearoom to see an example. Put fruitful dialogue into your own words and do a Google search. Did you get some sincere hits?

Wait! Wait! Wait!

You might be thinking, "But, Mouth Fruit, didn't you just say our innate tribalism is the natural thing?" It is in this post: Healthy Groupishness beats Toxic Tribalism.

Good thought! Maybe we have both inside of us.