It Begins with Personal Growth

Fruitful dialog begins with me. It begins with you.

I don't mean we have the white queen as in chess. It begins with why we are coming to the chess board.

It is not how somebody plans a burglary, though planning is good. (And burglarizing is bad.)

It is not how we initiate; it is how we initialize. More so, it is not the putting on the armor. It is becoming the right knight. Growing.

To grow, we have to look inside of ourselves.

This requires self-examination.

I object!

OK. What are your concerns?

Why do I have to change?

You don't. This isn't a command. It's an invitation.

But you came to a blog called "Mouth Fruit" — presumably because you want dialogue that actually works. Perhaps you wonder whether fruitful dialog would be a seed for good in the world. You've probably experienced conversations that went nowhere, or worse. If you want different results, something has to be different. The control knobs and switches that govern you have your hands on them. You have the hands to feed yourself. You can accept help from whom you trust, but it is you asking for and accepting help.

This isn't about fault. It's about agency.

Why should I be the one to change?

Because you're the one reading this.

Yes, it would be lovely if the difficult people in your life stumbled onto this blog and had a transformation. But they didn't. You did. That's not unfair — that's just where you are.

Here's the uncomfortable truth: Someone has to go first. Waiting for the other person to become worthy of your amazing character growth means waiting forever. And while you wait, nothing changes.

Going first isn't weakness. It's leadership. Step forward.

He's the one who needs to grow!

Maybe. Probably, even.

C.S. Lewis noticed about himself: "In my most clear-sighted moments not only do I not think myself a nice man, but I know that I am a very nasty one."

Socrates testified "The unexamined life is not worth living." That seems extreme to me, but that is the way Plato put it.

Carol Dweck says one can move from the fixed-mindset to that growth mindset in humility and learning. One can develop. We can all grow. (Interestingly, the fixed-mindset sounds a lot like the zero-sum mindset discussed in an earlier post.)

The question isn't "who's worse?" — a game we conveniently always win. The question is: "What kind of person do I want to be in this conversation?"

You can be right about them and still have work to do yourself. These aren't mutually exclusive.

You don't know me! Don't tell me I need to grow!

You are right. I don't know you.

But I know me. And I'm not writing this from a position of achievement. I'm writing as someone who has failed.

This is not a Supreme Command from the Emperor. It's a report from a fellow rebel.

If you are already perfect, I understand. But most of us, if we're honest, have room to grow here.

Building toward modifying our dispositions

It is hard. It is scary. But I don't need to naw my leg off to escape the trap. We can become ready. Maybe that hero in the action movie who removed the bullet from his arm actually knew about anatomy, infections and pain beforehand. We can be ready to reshape whom we are so we can engage in fruitful dialogue.

Security

Here's a paradox worth sitting with: the people most open to growth aren't the ones with no ego—they're the ones whose identity doesn't depend on being right about everything. Security enables growth. But growth also builds security. It's a cycle you step into, not a prerequisite you meet first. We'll explore this more in a future post—but for now, know this: you don't have to be fully secure to begin. You just have to be willing.

We will move from defensiveness to being secure.

No chanting before a mirror, but with curiosity looking into the mirror.

Humility

I am not as good as I thought. I have limitations. I accept that to enable my own growth and to learn from others.

Both security and humility? Does that really work? Let's see.

This humility feeds back to that curiosity and prepares us for the broader curiosity.

The Common and Shared Condition

We are all in this together.

Humility shows me my own struggles. Seeing those things we have in common with another helps us to recognize that everyone is struggling—differently, but genuinely. The person across from me is, well, a person, afraid, hoping, failing, trying—just like me.

This levels the playing field, but in a compassionate direction rather than a cynical one ("everyone's a mess, who cares"). It's the difference between "we're all broken" and "you and I are in this."

Mouth Fruit has touched on this in Global Common Ground? and in Are we the same? where we find in these two steps that common ground is best found not among all persons, but between two individuals. In space alien movies, where is the gap bridged? It is in the one-to-one interaction.

This trajectory, from security and humility through recognizing that in common brings us to empathy.

Compassion and Empathy

I understand your struggle because I know my own.

Humility acquaints me with my own brokenness. Compassion extends that acquaintance outward—if I know how hard it is to change, to fail, to be misunderstood, I can hold space for someone else in that same place.

Brené Brown's research fits here: vulnerability in myself creates capacity for connection with others.

Vulnerability?! It is OK. We can loop back to the security loop. We will learn more about what Brown has to say and cling to what fits with our goals.

Curiosity

If I don't have all the answers, maybe you have something to teach me.

This goes beyond that curiosity of self mentioned above. It includes curiosity when seeing others.

Humility opens a gap: I don't know everything. Curiosity fills that gap by turning toward the other person as a potential source of insight. Even someone I disagree with might see something I've missed.

This is particularly relevant for fruitful dialogue. You can't learn from someone you've already dismissed.

Received Grace

I've been given what I didn't earn. I can extend that.

This is the Manning/Nouwen insight: you can't give what you haven't received. If I've experienced being loved despite my flaws—by God or by someone who stuck with me—I have something to draw on when facing someone else's flaws.

Christians recognize this: "Freely you have received; freely give." All of us recognize that the experience of unearned kindness or forgiveness creates a reservoir.

Moving into disposition

When we are ready to put our hands to the clay of our own character, we can begin with the recognition of inherent worth.

Dignity isn't earned—theirs or mine.

This is both philosophical and theological. Every person has worth not because of what they've done but because of what they are. Christians consider imago Dei (image of God) or the nature of belovedness. Secular thinkers look to Kantian dignity or Levinas's face of the Other.

This is the foundation of universal respect—it doesn't depend on the other person being likable, smart, or good. Respect is the first disposition we will address.

Summary of getting ready

1. I move from defensiveness to being secure.
2. I recognize my limitations.
3. I see we are in this together.
4. I understand your struggle.
5. I don't have all of the answers.
6. I have been given what I did not earn.
7. I am starting to realize my dignity is not earned.

Expected Progression

I just made this up so see if it makes sense to you:

1. Am I ready to accept that I need to grow?
2. How do I become ready to grow?
3. What dispositions do I need?
4. How do I develop each of these?

I know it doesn't rhyme, but I'm working on it. Feel free to use it in your song.

The foremost, important first step

First step. That is scary. Well, whatever I throw out first, you can always say, "Ah, Mouth Fruit, that is goofy; I think I will skip that one." OK.

I will bring up some focused areas of growth in the topic reflection. (The topic shows up near the title.) I am applying these areas to me and they might be hard—don't know. And even harder for some of us than others. And you might not accept that the topic makes sense. That is fine. But what if it does? A peek is a small investment.

I confess. I don't know what should be brought up first by any measure. I will use my gut feel. This might be a little better than random. Or it might reveal a little about me.

So what is coming up? Respect.

You might be thinking, "Oh, that is not so bad." Bra-ha-ha-ha!

Wait! Wait! Wait!

That is too big of a step for me. Let's working on getting ready to make changes. So, maybe the next post in the topic reflection will be on security.

Humility

Ha! It is on the Joy of Humility.

Discusion points

What is looking into yourself like?

Assuming Mouth Fruit comes up with good stuff, are you ready to grow?

Where do you think you need to grow to move into fruitful dialog? No, not she, you.